Review: The Vineyard (1989)
Directed by: James Hong, William Rice
Starring: James Hong, Michael Wong, Sherri Ball
Written by: James Hong, Douglas Kondo, James Marlowe
Music by: Paul Francis Witt
Country: United States
Available on: Blu-ray (Vinegar Syndrome), DVD (Anchor Bay)
IMDb
James Hong, known best as Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China, is really passionate about evil wine-making. So passionate that he co-directed, co-wrote, and starred in a zany horror movie about evil makers of evil wine that grants immortality to its guzzlers. The magical wine is made out of people juice, of course. At least I think? There are also zombies buried in the vineyard, so maybe they’re also providing nutrients for the soil that the grapes grow in? But also there’s an ancient Chinese amulet? Also, a Mayan god? I’m not sure what’s going on here, and I don’t think James Hong is entirely sure, either. Essentially, The Vineyard is Hong’s midlife crisis played out on film: he writes himself into plenty of bizarre party scenes with nubile naked or half-naked women and gets to act like a diabolical nutter the entire time. He really does look like he’s having a good old time as a wicked sommelier, even if none of the trappings make any damn sense. There’s a lot of Eastern mysticism thrown in here that, though it doesn’t coalesce with anything else, does make things more interesting than your typical ‘80s zombie romp. Also interesting is that Hong’s Dr. Elson Po chooses to engage in all this evil wine-making so that he can be … 60? … for eternity. I appreciate the modesty of his malevolence — reverting to 25 or 30 would just be greedy. Additional contributions to the weirdness include a handful of Po sidekicks trained in both castrations by butterfly sword and grape cultivation, and a young white guy fresh off of a day of sailing on daddy’s yacht who’s introduced as a “blossoming martial arts talent” and whose mastery of martial arts never shows itself during his very awkward fight scenes. There are some very spooky scenes of wine zombies rising from tangles of grape vines. There’s a crusty mummy woman trapped in a room who’s vicious but morose. There are a lot of bubbling beakers and flasks and winding tubes. This thing has more of what you might want than you’d ever rightfully expect. I never would have thought wine-making and horror would pair well, but James Hong has shown me the way. It has a silly but supplicating appearance, it’s jubilant and lurid on the nose, and earnest on the palate. Though The Vineyard could have used more intentional comedy (the stuff it does have is actually pretty funny), more carnage, and more zombies, what it’s offering goes down easily and warms the bones nonetheless.
Overall rating: 6.5 out of 10
