Review: Ninja Empire (1987)
(aka Ninja Phantom Heroes, Ninja, Phantom Heros U.S.A.)
Directed by: Godfrey Ho (credited as Bruce Lambert)
Starring: Joff Houston, John Willford, Christine Wells
Written by: Godfrey Ho (credited as Duncean Bauer), Sally Nicholls
Music by: Sherman Chow
Country: Hong Kong
Available on: DVD (Desert Island Films)
IMDb
Also released as Ninja Phantom Heroes overseas, Ninja Empire is one of many films created by Godfrey Ho and his plethora of nom de plumes. Let’s just say he obviously has a favorite genre! I suspect Ninja Empire is the result of attempting to reuse incomplete footage from two different projects. The film opens with what seems to be a story about the military springing one of their best and brightest out of prison to infiltrate a smuggling scheme that is funding terrorist activity. It’s a well-beaten trope, but I’m onboard so far. The military brass explains to the nameless prisoner that his code name will be “Condor.” He's to meet up with “Songbird” and they whisper a secret password to him. How do I know they are whispering a secret password to him? Because they announce, “Also, there’s a secret password. Here, I’ll whisper it to you.”
Smash-cut to some important-looking mobsters discussing some goings on. Condor is nowhere to be seen, and we don’t really get any info as to who any of the mobsters are. Maybe they’ll explain the roomful of nameless baddies later? (Spoiler: NOPE!) Abruptly, we’re returned to Condor, who has a VERY awkward exchange with “Songbird:” “Is the Condor hungry?” “No, but he wants to hear the Songbird sing.”
Sadly, they don’t totally bone-down right there, as I figured they might. Instead, she explains more about the mission and, mid-exposition, they are ambushed by another unnamed bad guy (we’ll call him “Great Value Rutger Hauer”)! As Condor and GV Rutger duke it out, they begin making strange hand motions (if you’ve watched any fighty-Anime, you’ll recognize this as “jutsu” or ninja magic). Instantly, they are teleported to a different location, now dressed as a green camouflage and bright white ninja, respectively. The suits scream “Halloween costume.” The fight choreography has the grace of a toddler re-enacting a WWE match with action figures. The special effects? Ice Cream Man-quality sparklers and smoke bombs. In a word: exquisite! However, right as I’m starting to really dig the fight scene, it ends. Not like “there is a clear victor!” or “the bad guy escaped, oh no!” but it just jumps to another scene with zero warning!
The charm of the film is that there’s several of these abrupt changes of scenes and characters. I spent the entirety of it trying to figure out who was important, who was a good guy/bad guy, and which plotline would they be a part of. There’s no cohesion. Don’t try to make sense of it. The guys fighting with swords and guns aren’t ninjas, and are from what was probably “unfinished movie project 1.” The dudes that ARE ninjas fight with magic and craziness, and are probably from “unfinished movie project 2.” There was no effort put into combining these, and never do their paths cross.
The director must have been given the age-old advice to “always leave them wanting more” as the film ends, quite literally, in the middle of a fight scene. Great Value Rutger Hauer is about to get what’s coming to him and the screen flashes to a very simple “The End”. No credits. That’s it. Wow.
Overall rating: 3 out of 10